So much to update about..

Cousin Bryan from NM came for about 10 days...we did a lot. We went to Vermont for the first time and had a blast...ate so much, but would it be a vacation with my fam. if a lot of food wasn't involved.. never!  I gave my lil Piglet a call just to say hi and how close I was to cabot!!! Oh man, I can't wait until the end of this month when I finally get to visit the farm!!!

So, Bry met a few Schmucks, as many that were able to be seen. Poor Teney bean's been sick, but she's always a part of the chillin in spirit! We mainly hung out for two nights straight w/ Sam and Mike. Hilarious night @ Jillians and Cheescake Factory...cakegasms, cellphone search and rescue, air hockey, "I love a good skeeball game", Dance Dance Revolution REJECT!!! Then on my bday, Sam spent the day w/ me after I went to the gym w/ Marg, which I do all the time...yeah we have drive! So Sam and I had a grly day, we got our nails and toes done, and decided it needs to be a weekly thing for both of us, since I already do it weekly it's fine w/ me to have a bestest tag along! Then we went "shopping in rachael's closet",  Then we took Bryan into Cold Spring Harbor to look @ "the wedding dress" but it wasn't in the window anymore and we found the perfect star-gazing spot. Then we met my bro and parents in St. James for my bday dinner @ Bella Vita...omg YUM! AMAZING!! Oh man...okay, I'm done salavating...lol - then we tried to get jess to come out, but she couldn't. We came home and opened my SURPRISE present for papa, awesome speakers for the lap top. And my ECAC Pics from SportsGraphics from mommy, and of course all the clothes I had already gotten when I was a shop-a-holic for a day. Oh and my bro sketched a self-portrait of me as his gift to me.

Ash surprised me totally. A few days before my bday she called me at work (shock #1), to come over as ssoon as i got out b/c she couldn't wait to give me my present SHE got me (Heartattack shock #2)/. Alil background, for 8 yrs. the embry's have always given me somehting, but nvr something just from ash, my best friend. I always got her something, for any holiday, graduation, bday etc. That's our role. Ha! Anyways, so I pick her up, let her drive to my house. Richard followed us so he could take her home.We chatted about the necessary things. Then we got here, woke up mommy and cousin, and went to my room and there were 2 cards(shock #3) that were incredibly sappy and best friendy and us and something I would've picked for her (Shock #4) and then in one of them she wrote something personal and it really meant a whole lot and I can't explain in words really how perfect it was (Shock #5!) The gift was amazing...first there was a wax kitty candle that you don't really burn, in honor of Sugar and then a silver jewlery box/music box, with roses on it and my full name engraved and it plays "My Heart will go On" - which is so appropoe for us. I was so happy.

So, Thanks to everybody for your text messages, cards, calls, gifts for my bday! I appreciate the love so much!! My bday rocked....after dinner, me and Sam and cousin met up w/ fabulous Mike again, got some pretzles - for the show this time!- and then we saw Dodgeball - hilarious! Then we woke Tom up - after midnite - and hung out @ the back of his house - "Tommy, what are you doing..."- tom's mom w/ great concern as to why her son randomly got out of bed, went downstairs and out the backdoor and was talking! Had to be there. "You're new mexico you kill it!" - mike!

Anyways, so then me and the cous went into nyc and did ALL of downtown...like ALL of it - like TWICE! ha! Good day! Went tot he purple lovers store in SouthStreet and bought necklaces! Went to so many places - he got his first sausage and pepper hero in little italy and gelato after. Wall Street, South Street, Statue of Liberty, ALL of Battery Park City (parts  I never saw, and love even more!) . Empire State building, Times Square...all the hot spots. So there was more, but it was exhausting. And fun! Then the next day, my bro and mom came along and we went to the MET and the Guggenheim and then took a cab thru Central Park, ate @ John's Pizza, and then saw The Producers. Another fabulous night! Then we woke up mad early today and got on the ferry to Fire Island and spent the day there - OMG love it there! Wish I grew up oin the summers there....will be going back - and it is a planned Schmuck adventure eventually!  Tonight my dad and I picked up the car he bought, then we aall ate dinner as my dad was telling us stories of growing up w/ his 3 sisters - including my cousins mom, and then we took a fam. drive int he new vehicle into the village and got bryan his first italian ice and then we all had frozen custard. That was nice!

So tomorrow is goodbye to Bryan, and then shopping w/ mommy for my first day as a camp counselor on monday!! Then on to Krystles annual fourth of July party!! Yay!

Oh, Tina - boss  @ Friendly's calls me Mean Girl because we got in a fight - a nasty one - it was hilarious - she bitch slapped me and put me into a choke hold...and then she gave me a raise. Man that place cracks me up! I love the crew! Yay for everyone being back!

I got mad @ moo the other day...don't think he knew - but that's okay - it's over, because damn the fucker just knows how to fuck up, not realize it, and then come back with amazingness 10 times better - again not realizing it! And Sam has just been the best...I'm sure her summer is lookin up now! I hope so anyways. And mike is just a bundle of laughs - yay - MIKE GOT A JOB @ PIER 1!! haha - just in case he hasn't told u 60390983092 times like he's told eeveryone else! I hate that everyone works now. I liked being one of the few with a job, it was so much easier to get the group together! But the love is stilll there! Speaking of which - Schmuck VDAY '04 is on Wed-Thurs!!!! CANT WAIT!

And then me and sam and hopefully tom are going to the OAR concert, and then me and teney and hawkeye are going to sarah mclachlan - and yay jess is home and called just to chat, b/c she's a slacker and only has a month of vacation!

I love the summertime, but I miss my kidds and can't wait to go on, but cherishing everyday of this summer!

My brother's doing alright, we're planning to try to at least see 7 more broadway.offb-way shows for the summer, more or less, i hope it happens. I love him with all my worldly abililty and more. PLease keep praying!

<3<3<3 Love love to all! RR <3<3<3

Friendly's Friendly's Friendly's...the most dreaded of place, yet beloved home away from home. Over three years it's only gotten better. So a few nights ago a group of us went to this pool hall Hot Shots after work, wicked good time. Then tonight....shh...first night I ever drove with alcohol within me. Not bad...me, Kate and Colleen shared rounds, Michele got wasted as usual and wanted to do Kareokee, but since we came from work there were already too many people so she didn't get to. I got a boyfriend in like  mins. Good time good times. This huge black man was like hitting on me, asking me where I "said" my boyfriend was...great line I suppose....and Caroline's friend was next to me and I was like be my boyfriend so he was and itwas funny...then he's like protect me from all the fat chicks so I was like alright, so this girl is like botherin the hell outta him and he's like hey this my g/f...wicked fun!

I wish Tom coulda gone..I know he's been dyin to go out and get drunk. I saw this cute gay guy..totally wished Mike was there! So I called him, woke him up and made his night...made the awayer too!! WHoo! Speaking of them...me and Mike have been succeeding at our plan to have one movie night a week. So far we've seen Mean Girls and Troy. This week...hopefully GARFIELD!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I CAN NOT WAIT!!! GARFIELD!! FREAKING GARFIELD!! Okay I'm done!

I also got a perm...it's cute! I got a manicure/pedicure with Lindsay and ate @ Munday's for lunch. Good time! My bro's doin alright. I taught Ash how to parallel park. And on Tuesday I'm taking her to her road test and she's taking it in my car..let's hope she does well! It's about time...Tom's next :-)

Anyways...here's my freaking vent of the night...so I walkk into Friendly's tonight rght and I see ap iece of paper that says "Happy 19th Birthday ****" and i'm like who made this cake???? And so then I find out and I found out who took the order, and it turns out it was for my ex-boyfriend. And WHAT THE HELL...so his whole family has been avoiding me and friendly's apparently at all costs, and all of  a sudden the day of his bday his dad has the balls to come int o get his fucking birthday cake...GAY! First of all, he should get the balls to walk into that place before his family...and I was SO mad that I wasn't there like 10 mins. earlier so I could've seen his dad so I could've been like "go ahead and fucking tell me all the shit to my face that you said about me on-line." AHHH! I was pissed. But whatever, maybe it was a good thing so that I remain composed. See and there's some song that says "I know my friends think I'm not over you, but they'll never know how over you I am, how I'm movn on to someone ten times better" I could care less if he walks in bc I am that over him. I don't even care if he started workin there again b/c I am grown up and over him. I know it's for the best that my life is better without him. It was a fucking disgusting fairy tale, but hey don't they all end with "The End" So who cares...I'm havin so much fun...never woulda gone out w/ Friendly's crew or had the best last night @ school if I was with him. Thank God for new beginnings!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PS HAppy Fucking Birthday.

OKay I'm done now :)

"Something inside me makes me scream..."

"When I came to visit you that’s when I knew I could never have you.

I knew that before you did, still I’m the one who’s stupid.
And there’s this burning like there’s always been. I have never been so alone and I’ve never been so alive.
Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by ,the cigarette ash flies in your eyes and you don’t mind, you smile and say the world doesn’t fit with you.
I don’t believe you, you’re so serene careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt , you’re guiltless and free. I hope you take a piece of me with you.
And there’s things I’d like to do that you don’t believe in.
I would like to build something, but you never see it happen.

And there’s this burning like there’s always been.
I’ve never been so alone and I’ve, I’ve never been so alive.
And there’s this burning. There is this burning
Where’s the soul I want to know.
New york city is evil.
The surface is everything but I could never do that.
Someone would see through that and this is our last time
We’ll be friends again
I’ll get over you, you’ll wonder who I am

And there’s this burning
Just like there’s always been
I’ve never been so alone alone
And i’ve, and I’ve never been so alive
So alive

I go home to the coast
It starts to rain I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I’m not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I’ve never been so alone
And I’ve never been so alive." - 3eb "Motorcycle Drive-By

So this damn thing I just can't resist sometimes. Home has been more of a pleasant surprise than anything. If you know about my brother and the hospital than you do, if not I might tell. Anyways, I feel like all the crap I had to go through all year was preparing me for this. I miraculously am dealing with it so well. And apparently I am just what my brother needed, and I've been helping him get better. But hey, only time can tell how things are to turn out. Please keep praying, because that's all we can really count on.

This last week has been fabulous. I work out in the mornings, get my stuff together, go to the hospital, run errands w/ my mom, go to the hospital, then go out or go to bed. That's how it has been, but now I have my hours for Friendly's how exciting is that...I am not too sure whether that's sarcasm or not...according to Brian and Matty tips have been really good, and I NEED money, and plus the fact I love everyone there...but at the same time you never really wanna work. Anyways, starting tomorrow my life belongs to Tina once again.

Thursday night I hung out with Miss Samantha. It was possibly the second most fabulous surprise of the week. She just makes things delightful. We went to Applebees for half price appetizers, and we piggied up...against her will! haha! Oh man she was so much fun. I naturally felt so close that those people behind us gave us the opportunity to just laugh a bit! She drove for the first time with me and we are still alive!! She's actually a great beginning driver. ::Sniff:: so prouD! We talked and then fell asleep and then just chatted in the a/m too. Good day!

Friday night I went out with my one and only real love Mike!!! Such a fabulous time, as always! We saw Mean Girls, fattened up on crappy popcorn and HUGE diet cokes, and a nice big hot dog! The conversation as Always was just humorous and so lovely. And the ride in the Acura!!!! Yay!!! The movie and the friend in the movie was great. And yes mike, the guy reminds me of you too! But you are 10 million times more gorgeous ;-) After the movie, Mike had to  buy the "now ready" pretzel bites with cheese. So the 'tard heads we are ate them as we left the theater! Ate them in the car and then had the cheese on a finger! We drove back to his house and proceeded to have a real heart-to-heart in BOTH of our cars. God, to just have such a great friend where you can just laugh and talk about serious topics and just feel so understood and loved, I can't even explain. But I'm so happy I have this fabulous piece of hunk in my life <3

Saturday I sadly said no to hanging out w/ my Schmucks to spend the day/evening with my parents. Weird I know, but I felt like it. We brought a picnic to the hospital on the first visit for my bro. Before and after this one my dad and I finally went through my room and ended up taking four huge bags to the charity bins @ OLQM. The second visit wee played UNO and it felt like we were at home havng family game night. I think I wanted to cry, but having that night just gave me such hope. After that visit the three of us went to the video store and got...::Gasp:: "WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON"!!!! Finally, as Moo said! It was shockingly better than expected. We ate ben&jerry's and kettle korn. I love spending nights w/ my parents...they're like best friends to me, just chillin watchin movies and eating! That must be who I learned it from! Duh!!! Oh, and my mom was kinda baah about the pics from Toucan, but my dad goes, I want one of these, you look so happy in them! Pick one out for me. The fact my coach bough tme a shot, or you know I'm getting wasted at a bar, didn't phase him... but hey, that is why I have such an open relationship with my folks!

Now, Sunday, went to see Miss Ashley Vo. for the second time @ Urban Coffee...love that place and her tooo!!! Then went to the hospital. Ate my FIRST LI Corn of the season!! WHOO! So good! Food really does just control  my life.Anyways, then I came back here to watch "Chasing Liberty" and start working on the quilt I'm making. Then I dropped my mom off @ the hospital...my dad is getting a Pick-up truck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got to Tim's first!! SHOCKER!! No, but it really is! So, me and Tim decided on Chocolate covered strawberries. When Teney got there we went to Blockbuster where Teney picked the movie...the ultimate one that decided if she should ever be allowed to again, based on her past ;-) Scary movie...on to Waldbaums where we bought 2 pounds of strawberries. We made the strawberries and 2 choc. covered chips and 2 pretzels as well! Almost had a disaster occur in the freezer, because really, who trusts me and Teney with trays??!!? Finally they were done and Guacamole doritoes...stuffed our faces waiting for SAm and watching some crazy stuff on Spike Tv and HGTV..odd yes. Sam finally got there @ 11. She was lost down the street...it was fun sicne I don't have sidewalks in CP I walked down the street to find her. She's so cute....DROVE ALL ALONE!! YES!!!!!!! So the movie begins...MOO was STUBBORN deusch and didn't come afterall...moo poo! Anyways, Teney left early b/c it was just that bad and she didn't want to hear that she can no longer pick the movies :-p Me, Sam and Tim watched the entire thing, and it actually DID get good at one point...the ending was anit-climatic (stolen from Sam)...but me and sam were huddling just in case! And here I am now at 2:40 on a Sunday night, re-counting this fabulous beginning to summer.

Things happen and we learn from them. My Schmucks are truly lifers. Yes, we all have and will make new friends, new groups, but what's true is that they will always be those who were my firsts, the kids that I do the most random things with, the ones that I can be gross or stupid with, the ones who will still love me and what we were and are at the end of the day...deep down, our hearts will always be smiling for times like these. Here's to the summer... I hope I get to see Piglet in CT Farm land...I hope I go shopping in DC with my Suitees... I hope I get to go to Stowe VT with my Mom and Best friend and her mom from NM... I hope I have weeks like this every week... I hope my brother gets better and that he will be back to normall...

However, I will cherish what is and what does occur. Regrets don't exist...Second chances do. Nothing can ever be the same, because that was then. For now we'll just wait and see what shall be. Because someday I'll hope that something could be like it is now. I love my Schmucks. <3 Everyone better call me and make plans...Polizz..Linds...Step-on me! That means everyone too! Oh and visit Friendly's I'll be there everyday. Oh and I'm gettin a perm soon...but not as bad as that soudns!!! Night loves <3 Here's to summer nights and wonderful sunny days.

Friday at 3pm. is my final farewell to my love 406. As anxious as I am for my Suitees next year, and excited I am about the summer beginning, it's gonna be a sad goodbye. This room has been my home, the place where I could escape all of my horrible problems, and this window that sits in front of me right now, the one I would stare aimlessly out of, watching my friends walking to and from class, watching the trees change from full of leaves to covered in snow and now big, full of green life all over again. As Tom just said, we dont' even remember how we lived before college. Maybe I do a little more than him, but this is home...now we wear shoes in the shower, we walk to dinner and eat in masses, we go to class and nap right after, we play frisbee and baseball outside, go to the river @ 6 in the morning...and the list goes on. I'm gonna miss first and foremost my partner in crime, my BBRB Piglet. I'm gonna miss all that was. I'm gonna miss takin a five second walk to Tom's room to just relax and observe all that was the first floor. I'm gonna miss Nick begging for some "action", I'm gonna miss running into all of my loves on the way to class, and the list, again, goes on.

However, as I was packing, sinking deeper into a saddening moment, Gilmore ended, and my Sia called me, reminding me that I'll be home this time next week and we'll be together to watch possibly the greatest season finale - together! And then Sam called me, and it looks like things will be MUCH easier to patch at least us up. I can't wait to see her and be jumped with the HUGEST hug that I'm anticipating and gathering up all my strength to receive, adn then to be tackled will be greaaaat! And then of course just spending hours upon hours with the best friends I know I'll ever come upon, doing everything and nothing at all the same time. I'll get to see Ashley and spend hours growing up with her, and hopefully take another road trip. And of course the Friendly's crew, how can I not be excited about the hours upon hours I will be spending with them! And the OAR and Sarah McLachlan concerts should be a helluva time! And my cousin visiting from New Mexico!! Visting Splints in DC! Going to Florida. I know that college has happened, however, everyday life has happened, I hope that college makes life different, for my best times have been spent with my best friends on Long Island, I couldn't be the me I am without those times. There are so many things that I can't wait for. Possibly the greatest part will be seeing first and foremost my Schmucks and just being all that we are when we're together, putting all that has been in the past with understanding and love, and then my Sia and Mike, and Ash Vo, Poliz, Step on me, and all the kids I love so dearly.

I will be missing Leo 406, and of course 401, my second home, and 130, but next year this time, I'll be sad to be leaving the room I'm in. These are just places, it's the faces that make it home. And in a few days I'll be returning to those faces that are my warmest home...

"I feel home... when I see the faces that remember my own." <3 I love you here and there and everywhere.

In Psych my professor read and gave us a copy of a poem that has inspired him throughout his college career and future. It's actually really inspiring, so I'm puttin it up for everyone and maybe it'll stirke a cord in you! I especially "dedicate" it to two of my favorite girls in the world, who right now may not realize just how much they mean to me, but have inspired me and encouraged me to keep my head up through everything....

( Who are You? )

The year's almost over...no more classes, just four finals and one Championship to be won and then home to deal. Good luck everyone!!

<3RR<3

So, for the last couple of days I've been really missing high school and wishing it could be this time last year, when the air was sweet and all that could be found were smiles. Then I read in one persons profile something about Mercy and missing it, and then Sam's LJ shoot_the_moon i</a>s just how I was feeling...therefore, this is what this is about...

Of course college is a splendid time, especially now that all the hard times fom earlier this semester have gone away, however there are some things I miss more than anyone here could ever comprehend.

I miss going to school in PJ pants and adidas sandals every day, with my hair just thrown up in a bun, not caring if my skirt was rolled or not. I miss bagel runs with Ashley Vo, whether we were late or not, we got our bagels. I miss the crazy Ashley Vo. after school when we'd hit up S*bucks and harrass the poor boy behind the counter. I miss when Centerport would surprise us and have a traffic jam, but of course it was just a stupid school bus, but we'd be freaking out laughing anyway. I miss the rap and random comments and country w/ her too, every morning was heaven. And that morning I showed up in my NEW car and we were SO flipping happy! I miss the breakfast tables, and the chocolate cookies and muffins and those yummy lil OJ boxes. And I miss all of my friends stressing out. I miss Physics and Conlins class - polizzi gettin me thru it. I miss CHAPEL CHATS, more than anything I ever experienced in life. I miss Teney, and Hawkeye, and my Retard, and miss Kat. I miss Ghetto and Linds...Chip and Dale. I miss lunches w/ Teney and only Teney. I miss Miss Ciaravino's class and comparing the two sides of the pond and always speaking about it for both me and Ash. I miss all the random comments and notes in that class. I miss Retard falling asleep. I miss our first night together and Crossroads, and all that was the Crossroads experience. I miss Valentine's Day Senior Cut Day, pancakes, dancing, random chatting, making Schmucks official. I miss mini van drives and Chami. dances. I miss little locker post-its for my girls when I'd leave early. I miss Miss Hollander and her fabulous office where I'd sleep. I miss Sr. Peggy and the day we cut class, to find out that the whole senior class was called into the chapel where we were. I miss mass, as corny as that sounds. And I miss telling Sam to BREATHE. And oooh, how I miss Ms. Lusardi!! I miss my Stacy and her saving me in homeroom for four years. I miss Mr. Sommerman, and the list of his famous comments. I miss leavng early to get starbucks or something wonderful. I miss laughing at anything and everything. I miss passing my friends classrooms, smiling at them. I miss seeing the same lovely faces every day. I miss the last day when we gathered around the circle, no one wanting to do it, but then all crying our eyes out. I miss all the lame pictures. I miss all the trips to the diners and Friendly's after ALL types of events. I miss SIA...I miss notes, I miss crew practices. I miss skipping class to play Snood. I miss graduation and the Sam award!! And that graduation week, proms, dinners, breakfasts, lunches, jess' award ceremony. I miss everything and anything that was the all girls high school OLMA. I miss the fact that we may have gone through it just a little too fast. Most of all, I miss you girls who made OLMA OLMA.

I'm not scared to find out what's going to happen this summer. Yeah, we've all grown and changed a tad, but in the end, it's you girls who know me best, who know my faults, who know my quirks. It's you girls who make my days worthwhile, you make me smile day in and day out. It's you who I'm coming home to. All that's happened this past year can be fixed because there's more to us than can be explained. There's a feeling when I'm with the Schmucks or Sia or Ash or Ghetto or Linds that gosh, can never be replaced by any other girls. I can't wait to see your smiling faces...to laugh a lot, cry a bit and feel more than wonderful again. So although we can never go back to last year, thank you for all that it was, all that it meant, and all that I love. Here's to the future and all that will be....

"She's been playing in a room on a strip
For ten years in Vegas
Every night she looks in the mirror
But she only ages
She's been reading about Nashville and all
The records that everybody's buying
Says 'I'm a simple girl myself
Grew up on Long Island'
So she packs her bags to try her hand
Says this might be my last chance

She's gone country, look at them boots
She's gone country, back to her roots
She's gone country, a new kind of suit
She's gone country, here she comes"

-Alan Jackson - "Gone Country"

So here are some quotes, just because me and Piglet like them....

"What was I to do? I gave it. What was I to say? I gave it all I could. How was I to know? I bet you'll never find another friend like me." - credit The GetUpKids and Allyson

"People are going to hurt you all your life, but it' up to you to decide who is worth the pain."

"If people don't know you, and they won't take the time to get to know you, you shouldn't take the time to listen to what they have to say."

"You know you're crazy about someone when you take the long way to class, walk up an extra staircase and down two extra halls just to see him smile at you."

"I've learned that things change, people change. It doesn't mean you forget the past and you don't cover it up either. It simply means you move on."

"When you judge others you define yourself."

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart."

"I guess no matter how much you try to fight it, life is just a series of chapters. When one chapter ends, the next one starts, and there's no point in trying to go back. Though we may have liked some chapters more than others, I think we all have to somehow absorb the moment when it happens, and accept it once it's passed...and turn the fucking page."

"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."

"Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead."

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

"I once believed in causes too, I had my pointless point of view, and life went on no matter who was wrong or right."

"They may forget what you said, but they willl never forget how you made them feel."

"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing."

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything"

"Don't make a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

"You know you're not alone when someone cares."

"It only takes one person to make a difference in someone's life."

"A friend is one who believes you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."

"Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare; false friends are like leaves, found everywhere."

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."

"I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me. I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be; I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day, as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way."

"You cannot say you've lost a friend. If a friendship is capable of ending, it is because it never existed."

"The most beautiful discovery that true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart."

And for true, old time sake....

"You only meet your once in a lifetime pals, once in a lifetime." - Little Rascalls

This entry is dedicated to the one person who has never let me down...alway kept me smiling the whole year through. I can't believe the years almost over. It truly has just gone by. I have made incredible friends and experienced just life altering things. I've learned so much and grown as well. I don't know what it's going to be like when I go home this summer, I know it will be hard, but I know and am so thankful that this person will still be so near. I don't think he knows how much of a HUGE impact he has made in my life. Moo...you have made me seen things that I may have neveer seen. I have been able to grasp and accept things that I may not have been able to previously. You've made me laugh when all I've wanted to do is cry for hours. You never let me be mad, and if I was you wouldn't give up on me, you have been the truest friend I could have, especially this year. I never expected our friendship to grow so much, but I've learned that the things I least expect will just happen and will be incredible. Whether it's been the Verona's, cab runs, cup o noodles, black and whites, bawls, alcohol, or just chattin it up with one another while I'm laying on your bed w/ my stinky feet, whether we were venting or just chattin it up, you've been the absolute best. All the things I had to go through you were there, whether you realized it or not, all the time we've spent together have been some of my favorite college times. You truly are the greatest moo ever! I love you.

I read this and thought of all my friends but especially something I refer to as Moo:

I love you for being blunt with me when I'm a moron. I love you for acting like a two-year old with me. I love you for making me laugh. I love you for making me think. I love you for making me realize that I want to be better for myself, not any other person. I love you because you have shown me that it's okay to be me, faults, insanity, and all. I love you enough to know that your happiness is more important than something I think I want. I love you because at the end of the day, you're still there for me, not because you have to be but because you want to be. I love you for helping me forget and for helping me remember. I love you for giving me the strength to let go of the past...I'm not there yet but I will be one day. I love you for teaching me to see the beauty in the smallest of things. I love you for being a part of my life now and I hope you always will be.

And then......I heard such a beautiful song on the train the other day and good gosh golly how I thought of that Moo thing once again!!:

"You know my soul. You know everything about me there's to know. You know my heart -how to make me stop & how to make me go. You should know I love everything about you don't you know that I'm thankful for the blessing and the lessons that I've learned w/you
by my side. That I'm thankful, so thankful for the love that you keep bringing in my life, in my life..Thankful so thankful.
You know my thoughts before I open up my mouth & try to speak. You know my dreams, must be listening when I'm talking in my sleep. I hope you know I love having you around me don't you know that I'm thankful for the blessing and the lessons that I've learned w/you
by my side. That I'm thankful so thankful for the love that you keep bringing in my life in my life
Don't you know that I'm thankful for the moment when I'm down you always know how to make me smile. Thankful for the moments & the joy that your bringing to my life. For the lessons that I've learned. For the trouble I've known, for the heartache & pain that you've thrown my way, when I didn't think I could go on, but you made me feel strong. With you I am never alone...thankful so thankful
Thankful for the blessing and the lessons that I've learned w/you by my side. That I'm thankful, so thankful for the love that you keep bringing in my life in my life thankful so thankful
When I'm down you always know how to make me smile, thankful for the joys that your bringing to my life thankful so thankful."
-"Thankful" - Kelly Clarkson

Moo - "they're the ugly ones with ugly friends - No worries!!!"

So, although I more or less swore this thing off, I'm doing anything to keep my self from falling asleep between practice and my 11. I feel so ill, but I'm still practicing and everything, but sleep paralyzes me, it feels to great. Anyways, so everyone's leaving for Easter break, but the crew team isn't. Saturday should be an eventful day. First we'll kick Army's butt!! then I'm off to Baltimore to see my bro's play. I'm real excited for it because I haven't gotten the chance to see any of his plays this year and it's his senior year!! It's also his birthday on Monday, so I sent him a lil care package, but I forgot to send him the first scarf I made. However, it's not long enough to be worn, especially by him, so I'm gonna decorate it and give it to him as a metaphor (symbol) of our relationship. Now, I know this sounds BEYOND corny, but it's a Ross thing!! It has it's imperfections and holes and it's not completed, sorta like us as bro and sis...We've had our bumpy spots, the holes in communication, definitely it's imperfections and impurities, but like th scarf, it was the first relationship I ever had, and it's SO far from completed...and no matter what imperfections my bro and I have, I'll love him regardless, and I kinda know that my bro will love the scarf because it isn't perfect. I dunno...you kinda have to understand what's happened the last few years to understand why this would be good, but okay mooooving on..! I also made him 2 cds...they're fun...I like 'em so that's all that matters...naturally!

I've been spending some time with Tim, and it's real quality! I kinda wish it could've been this way the whole year, granted I know I could've made an effort, but the setting is so key, and it was just so uncomfortable with his old roomie. The new one is cool, nice kid, personable....antonym for Rich. So also, my Moo...for those of you who don't know who Moo is...it's Tom...it's hard to explain, but seriously I could never ask for a better friend. It's funny too....say I'm having a crappy day, down in the dumps, wanna beat people up!...well Tom IMs me and just goes "moo" or one of our very random noises or words....and my whole day has just become wonderful....I guess it's just that I've come to the agreement of my father's statement, that the best and most real relationships are the simplest. Me and Tom just joke around, talk about the day, vent about the bad things, and then laugh and eat! PANINININININI!!!!!!! Aw man....good times. Anyways, point...I didn't look for the friendship of Tom, especially for it to become as close and awesome as it has become, yet it did fall into my lap, yes I had to work at it more or less, but it was simple...and it's true, those are just the best relationships. So, Moo...you make my life better just by being you!!! oink!

I don't want Erin to leave. A that's that. She's been the best friend I could've asked to find in college, and now she's leaving. It's gonna be a sad day, but I kinda feel like we'll keep in touch...at least I hope so. We went through so much together this year...we've had more fun, random times then I did with people in all four years of high school..It'll be okay though. I'm excited about my "Suitees" for next year!! Annie, Cait, Cat and Tess...they're so much fun and the good thing is that we usually like to chill at the same times, go out at the same times, etc...so it should be good...plus we're just HELLA FUN!!

Wed. I'm gonna see my Retard and that just makes me SMILE!! I don't care if a certain someone doesn't take the train ride w/ me, because although I'd enjoy the company since I have fun chattin it up with him, the ultimate thing is seeing my Retard!! So....I'll update how that goes. I miss all my Schmucks a ton, and can't wait for summer, but at the same time, I definitely don't mind the wait!!

We have been talking about a certain person and "pulsating hearts" among my closests here...and I love that I have been able to laugh about it...and the truth is - I hope that this person learns and feels and experiences a lot of pain...I know that's totally evil, but people can't stay sheltered and naive and dependent upon others for their whole lives...or can they, and then they just end up miserable, and DEAD as me and erin have deemed this person really is. If you can't talk to a group of people, have a personality, be fun, make your own decisions, etc...then you are dead...the end!

Okay, it's time for my last 3 classes of the week...thank God!! Have a wonderful Easter <3

P.S. Linds surprised Chris, and it was so fun seeing her and some other OLMA girls...how I miss those days!!!

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says. "...their smiles of happy expectation and welcome. He took their hospitality..." "Design - R. Bausch                                                          

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? ---The wall

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? ---NCAA Women's Finals.. Uconn vs. Tenn

4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is. --- 10:19pm

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? ---- 10:16 pm

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? --- Music and the girls talkin next door

7. When did you last step outside? -- around 9 for panini @ the cab w/ moo and piglet!!

8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at? --- My aol mail

9. What are you wearing? -- Boxers and a shirt..it's bedtime

10. Did you dream last night? --- um.....I cannot recall last night, but the other night I dremt I hung out w/ Will Smith and Martin Lawrence!!!

11. When did you last laugh? --- like 2 mins. ago

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?  --- 2 posters, a calender, MAD pics, some cards, my adidas and ice cream lights and you know, some paint

13. Seen anything weird lately? --- um....where do I begin when I live in 406

15. What is the last film you saw? Training Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? -- a new car, or how bout pay off my tuition

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.-- to copy sam... I used to be a gymnist and a ballerina - imagine my graceful self ;-)

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? --- Lack of common sense

19. Do you like to dance? -- offff course

20. George Bush: ha...what david mack pysch prof. said today, Bush 1 and Bush 2...

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?  Abigail Ashley

21. b) Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Joshua Adam

22. Would you ever consider living abroad? --- SYDNEY AUSTRALIA in a year!!!!!!!!!!

So my neighbors had this hanging on their door and they gave me a copy and I really wanted to share it w/ my Schmucks and my closests...so enjoy!!:

"Two Months From Now"

A year has passed and now we stand on the brink of returning to a world where we are surrounded by the paradox of everything, and yet nothing being the same. In two months we will reluctantly give our hugs and fighting the tears, say goodbye to people who were once just names on a sheet of paper to return to people who we hugged and fought tears to say goodbye to before we ever left. We will leave our best friends to retrun to our best friends. We will go back to the places we came from and go back to the same things we did last summer and every summer before that. We will come into town on that same familiar road, and even though it has been months, it will seem like only yesterday.

As you walk into your old bedroom, every emotion will pass through you as you reflect on the way your life has changed and the person you have become. You suddenly realize that the things that were most important to you a year ago don't seem to matter so much anymore, and the things you hold highest now, noone at home will completely understand. The memories and the stories from school won't mean anything to anyone at home and yet you resent them from that,that they can't share that happiness with you.

Who will you call first? What will you do your first weekend home with your friends? How long before you actually start missing people barging in without calling or knocking? Who will get pizza at three in the morning with you now? How long until you adjust to sleeping alone in a room again? Then you start to realize how much things have changed, and you realize the hardest part of college is balancing the two completely different worlds you now live in, trying desperaely to hold onto everything all the while trying to figure out what you have to leave behind.

In the matter of one day's traveling time, you will leave your world of living next door to your best friends, walking across campus to eat, instant messaging, 8am classes, and perpetual procrastination and enter a world that will seem foreign to you despite the fact that you lived in it for eighteen years. But it is different now. We now know the meaning of true friendship. We know who we have kept in touch with over the past year and who we hold dearest in our hearts. We've left our high school world to deal with the real world. We've had our hearts broken, we've fallen in love, we've helped our best friends overcome depression, stress and death, and we've stayed up all night on the phone just to talk to a friend in need. There have been times when we've felt so helpless being hours away from home when we know our families needed us, and there are times we knowwe have made a difference.

Two months from now we will leave. Two months from now we take down our pictures, and pack up our clothes. No more going next door to do nothing for hours on end. We will leave our friends whose random e-mail and phone calls will bring us to laughter and tears this summer. We will take our memories and dreams and put them away for now, saving them for our return to this world. Two months from now we will arrive. We will unpack our bags and have dinner with our families. We will drive over to our best friend's house and do nothing for hours on end. We will return to the same friends wohse random e-mails and phone calls have brought us to laughter and tears over the year. We will unpack old dreams and memories that have been put away for the past year. In two months we will dig deep inside to find the strength and conviction to adjust to change and still keep each other close. And somehow, in some way, we will find out place between these two completely different worlds. Are you ready?

***That's all.....I can't wait to go home, I miss you all so much. Yet, I feel like the first day here was just yesterday. I love you all wherever you are, here or there, thank you for keeping me "around" through everything this year. I love you!

Laundry needs to be put away and then bed time for a 5am wake up! Blah!

Spring Break was the MOST delightful time!! Clemson - Holler!! We left at 10pm Thurs. night, 16 hour bus ride, UCAL video and 6 hours of Sex&the City...never again!! Ramada Inn with Rockhoppers "A COOL place to eat!!" My roomies rocked the world....Kerri, Sheila and Erin. We rowed till our hands bled..literally... but it was gorgeous and fun, and this man made lake was ridiculously huge and amazing! My four was so much fun...with Josh of course! There were so many crazy fun moments on this trip that I could never recap it all. Someone asked a group of us what our favorite parts of the trip were, and we all felt the same way...how can you pick just one moment out of ten days which could be considered some of the most fun days with the greatest people. But I'll recap some of the top ones:

-Chillin in the room playin games with Sheila and Ker 

-HEARO'S - it's a roomie thing...snore snore!

-The night we couldn't fall asleep...headstands on the bed...falling on kerri...Sheila bouncing all over the beds..

-Me knocking out the electricity on the one side of the hotel b/c Marg wanted a Caramel Cream.... sorry again !!!

-Lunch and Dinner...Ice Cream, Pecan Pie, CORN BEANS AND CHICKEN!!, watered down salad...the incredible convos! When Sue sat w/ us, making her laugh about the girl who fell in the river..!

-Chillin in the hot tub in between practices with my favorite Bow Pair - OhG!!

-Laughing "8 minute Ab" style with Cait... What were we even laughing about?!?!! Love you!!! Tata's tripping-us laughing -her seeing - us hiding- us running into her - more 8 minute ab style!!

-Naps w/ G and Girl Scout

So, life has finally turned back to the smile position. I don't even remember the last time I cried...and we know that from the last few months that is some sorta feat!! I just feel content in every possible way. I feel as though I've finally broken out of the bubble I was stuck in and now I'm experiencing and feeling all sorts of things that I may have been missing out on. Yesterday the weather was just absolutely superb. Katie and I went for a run, it hurt my knees so much, but I had to do it, there is no way I can turn a run down when the weather is beautiful. Katie then ran hills while I sat on a rock with ice bags on my knees. I musta looked like the most random site there is. So, this rock is overlooking the river, in the middle of these trees. It was the most peaceful site. There were sounds of joyous college students, relaxing to music and playing frisbee and catch w/ their friends. It was a recruit weekend, and it was one that most students would never want to leave Marist. The Hudson still has a ton of ice on it, but it was flowing nicely. I was just at such peace, and it was one of those days where you just sit back and smile and think, "this is my life and that's just wonderful!" Gosh, I can't even explain the joy in me. Then today continued with that. I just feel so perfectly happy with my decision, I always have, but maybe it's the Spring arrival that's just making everything so sweet, but this campus is just so amazing, especially with this weather and everyone outside or with their windows open, laughing and playing and enjoying life.

Teney and Hawkeye officially began the Schmuck Month this weekend and it was fantastic so I hear! That's great! They didn't get eaten by those giraffes, so I'm proud of them!!! I CANNOT wait until Thursday when Teney comes. It will be fantastic!! It's insane how much I have been missing everyone. I keep having these memory moments, especially when I was on the phone with Teney while she was on the train. Which reminded us of when we took the train to visit my bro in Baltimore, and the sommersaults and WWI (walking while intoxicated) and just the Amtrak ride. And then her bro went to OLMAs date dance, and that brought back memories, b/c that's like the night me and Teney became friends and then last years was whoa great of course!! And then just everything. Oh, and Katie was looking at my photo albums and I just recalled everything, every car ride, chapel chat, skipped class, sleepover, CROSSROADS, halloween...AH!! I'm going crazy over here. I must say, I have the greatest high school friends and memories to go w/ them! And, Sam received a phone call just to tell her how I love her!! And someone's birthday is JUST around the corner ;-)

It is in fact Leap Year, and it really has zero impact on my life. hm....I should find a way to change that! I've been knitting and doing work and reading and life is fun! Last night I watched Shakespeare in Love with my new favorite floormates and we knitted and it was just quite a humorous site! We finally got our new FOURTH RA! I think she might actually make it! I called Friendly's to see if I got the hours I requested for next Saturday and I did, however dumbass Tina put me on Fountain, so my grls there are trying to fix that for me! I wrote my info. speech on Zip Codes, and I'm actually really excited about it. It's different and quite intriguing, but then again that just might be to me, since I have my whole theory in life.

New Friends are worth mentioning. So in my new state of joy comes along a few new friends. Katie is awesome. I wish she was my RA so I could've discovered her earlier! I wish she was our age so she could chill with us for four years, because I can just totally be myself, except I'm not allowed to say a few words, but oh well. Anyways, we're total goofs and oh....we FROLICKED in the snow the other night and that was the most FANTASTIC night!! Allyson and Laura are really a lot more inviting and approachable than I originally thought. Allyson came in my room today and was like "you know it's weird I used to think you were the scary, mean girl on our floor..." and I was like "Yeah and here I am wearing my Cookie Monster sweat shirt." Anyways, point being..."Best thing to give to someone is A CHANCE!!" And of course I must mention maybe one of my newest favoriteist friend, Joe. We have our little plot for one anothers happiness with others...if that doesn't make sense too bad...and in a way I should be TOTALLY jealous because his situation has started to progress tonight, and he's SO happy and excited and the whole situation is looking completely optimisic and promising....but I'm completely happy for him and excited, I'm not jealous in the least and it feels great to have another good guy friend that I can chill with and talk to about anything and be totally excited for and for there to just be that amazing connection as friends, and it makes me smile. Anyways, my situation isn't going backwards, it's just kinda at a stand still for now but that's okay, I'm in no rush I've realized. Plus, I was talking to the girls about my last relationship and how in a way, having a relationship put up a road block for all the other relationships and situations in my life...and right now there is just SO much to do and experience, that maybe I just don't have the time.

Crew Spring Break in Clemson, SC is in a week....and WOW are we EXCITED!!!! Cannot wait because it will be incredible! I'm going home this upcoming weekend to go shopping and get stuff together and I'm so anxious to go.

Anyways, HAPPY MARCH!!

Much love,

RuffRyder

Okay, so all I can say is this kinda sucks. I don't know why I'm pushing myself to like someone. I mean, it's cool or whatever, and I'm comfortable, but everyone plus myself know that I'm scared to shit and don't want to deal right now. So, why am I stressing myself out? But at the same time, it's like, I'm the one that broke up w/ John, why shouldn't I move on when I'm ready. I mean, he basically probably has. And it's not even like I'm still sad or mad or anything. I'm over John and we all know this. Maybe I'm just so conscious of the fact that there's John and how well we did work and the "connection" that was, and that there will be like one ever that could ever be better than he was. So, maybe I'm just holding out for him. I mean I feel like I can tell at the first moment whether a guy could surpass him or not, yet, I still start falling for these guys. But they're cool, and well one is a friend, a good friend now, and I don't know why I would jeopardize this friendship for these feelings, especially when I could count on him only liking the friendship. But maybe that's what bothers me is that I'm always the friend. Which is fine. But sometimes you just want to be the object of someone's obsessions you know. And I know Katie's right about the right guy will click perfectly when he comes around, but hello, everyone knows that was John, in ways we know, so where is the guy that can be better. Which I'm not trying to speed up the process, I am only 18 and it's okay to be alone, I'm cool with it, just you know, I hate being the girl that gets looked straiht through. Not to be self-centered, etc, but we all know there's so much more to me than I may appear to be one day. Yea, the sweats and no make-up and hair in a ponytail are me, but what's wrong w/ that. Do they all want these High fashion, fry my hair everyday, let me eat half a salad for every meal, kinda girl? So annoying. Get a life guys, we aren't all like that...and p.s. we ALL burp! But let me clarify, I'm not saying the two guys I'm "intriguied" by are like that, I'm just saying guys in general. But yeah, the other one is mad cool, I get all fluttery around him, but I feel incredibly comfortable having a conversation w/ him, I don't feel regretful [a word? :-)] about anything I did or didn't say, I just go w/ it instinctivly and it's cool. I just wish he'd notice me other than the girl who sits next to him in class and runs into him every now and then...I would totally like to get to know him better, he seems real decent and fun. And the other one that I really now, apparently mixed signals and other people's opinions, like his friend, but whatever, I took a chance and we'll still be friends and that's okay. I have fun as his friend anyways. I think I just wanna have someone to chill w/ and watch a movie w. when I need to get away from my crazy life, and cuddle with, but one day. Okay, so now that that's out I can breathe again. :-) All better.

On an Awesome note....Crissy visited this weekend and OH MAN IT ROCKED!!! We realized how our friendship truly will last, I mean, it's not really easy to explain, but she knows and I know, SIA MESE FOREVER!!! I busted Tom's lip one of the nights, but he still loves me of course!!

Katie has really been an awesome support system for me lately and the Hugs that I've been missing from my Schmucks she's been providing and I couldn't appreciate it more. I know I'ma make it through this freaking injury and excell like I want to, I just am really frustrated now, but the talks I had w/ her and my Dad last night helped a lot.

Oh, and on a John note....after an AMAZING day at pre-school yesterday I get in the van, and like our "song" "To make you feel my love" by Garth came on, and I didn't cry, I was just like AHH no...I was fine though. But it just made me frustrated I guess. I dunno anymore. The sky is really beautiful right now...I feel like it's Mr. Embry looking down on me everyday...man I miss him, I wish I could just call him up right now and chat about crew and basketball and everything under the moon. Jason e-mailed me the other day, and I almost cried, I feel like now he feels like he has to be for me and Ashely both himself and Mr. Embry now, which I totally appreciate but I don't want him to stress stress. Man I love them so much. And Ashley seems to be gettin on alright.

Teney's uncle passed away. I feel horrible for her. She'll be alright though. I know she knows I'm here for her, and I'm sure she won't throw anything in my face b/c I want to be the friend she needs. Wow that was harsh of me and not even directed at her. She's coming in like a week and a half and OH MAN I CANNOT WAIT. It will be the GREATEST...Chapel Chat FINALLY!!! I need it and now she needs it more than probably ever. I'm glad I have her as my best. And Spring Break to South Carolina is going to be AAAAMAZING!! I'ma be Cait's roomie, prob! It will be fun fun fun....oh and in the sun!!! haha!

okay, so this was a lot...enough....Smiles and HUGS....especially for my Schmucks!! Especially Jess who needs to stop stressing and Teney b/c I need one and so does she and Sam b/c I just love her an immense amount and well...EVERYTHING IS OK IN THE END!!! Plus me and Teney are talking about the white and blue and grey sky...b/c we can!! I miss my kidds so so much...oh and one thing..."Schmucks" is not just a word...there's an emotion and a feeling and a love and an identity associated with it...No, it doesn't have to be your sole identity, but it is a part of you, it's a whole bunch of memories that you know you'll never let go, yes you are supposed to go out and venture on your own, but as for me, no matter how far out I venture out on my own, you will all always be a huge part of my heart and life and love.

<3RR<3